Thoughts, lyrics, & photos...

Shenanigans!

2009-03-24T00:38:00.000-07:00

I call shenanigans on this whole thing. I think I'm about ready to come home.

1/2 Way!

2009-02-10T09:14:00.000-08:00

So it's official! Today was my half-way point over here. In honor of this special occasion, I'm going to share some more things that I have learned or have had re-emphasized. Without further ado and in no particular order...

1. The Army has a really, really strange sense of humor
2. If it's not nailed down or locked away, it will be "acquired" by someone else
3. The Super Bowl is something else that's worth waking up way to early for
4. Strawberries go with any meal
5. Coffee is essential to functioning
6. There are people out there who actually enjoy creating drama for themselves
7. Workouts are always better with a spotter
8. Always bring a book
9. Whatever doesn't need to be done today can always be put off till tomorrow
10. 6 months is way better than 12 or 15

Praise You in This Storm

2009-01-27T08:24:00.000-08:00

I was sure by now, God,
that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away…
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
…and it's still raining.
As the thunder rolls,
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls,
I raise my hands and praise the God
who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm,
and I will lift my hands.
For You are who You are,
no matter where I am.
And every tear I've cried,
You hold in your hand.
You never left my side
and, though my heart is torn,
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind.
You heard my cry to You,
and raised me up again.
My strength is almost gone.
How can I carry on if I can't find You?
And as the thunder rolls,
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls,
I raise my hands and praise the God
who gives and takes away

And I'll praise you in this storm,
and I will lift my hands.
For You are who You are,
no matter where I am.
And every tear I've cried,
You hold in your hand.
You never left my side
and, though my heart is torn,
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth.

"So this is the new year...

2009-01-01T08:38:00.000-08:00

...and I don't feel any different."

Great song by a great band. This year's New Years was even weirder than Christmas. Nothing bad about it...just weird. Mainly because I celebrated with a can of "near-beer" (it's non-alcoholic Becks which tastes like piss and doesn't have any of the nice side effects) with my girlfriend over the phone. It was supposed to be via Skype, but the connection crapped out 5 minutes before midnight. All-in-all, it really wasn't that bad. Of course I'd rather be at home watching the fireworks or the ball drop, but that'll be another year. That's the great thing about stuff like this. If you miss one, you just wait a year for it to come around again. And you get to have all sorts of adventures in between. Anyways, hope you all had a great New Years and are ready to start this one. I think this year is going to be a good one :)

Christmas around the World

2008-12-25T06:40:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from the other side of the world! I know most of you are just about to start yours, but we're beginning to wrap things up here. It actually wasn't too bad. Don't get me wrong, I would much rather be at home with friends than here for Christmas, but for not having a choice in the matter, it hasn't been bad. We still had to work today, but we started a little late, did a quick little gift exchange within our office, and had a wonderful Christmas dinner (as much as a cafeteria can be). All-in-all, I can't really complain. I even got to open a couple Christmas gifts :)

It has been a little weird, but I'm trying to figure out which Christmas was weirder...this year or last year. Last year, my sister and I were walking down Venice boardwalk watching people play beach volleyball. It was a beautiful, sunny, 80 degree day. Didn't really feel much like winter. This year, it was at least a little cooler. Eh, I guess every Christmas since Junior year in college has felt a little weird. Just a part of growing up I guess.

Well, I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!

So far...

2008-12-19T08:35:00.000-08:00

Well, I've been here over a month now and I'd thought I'd share some of the stuff I've learned so far. No explanation really, just some things I've learned in no particular order:

1) Working 12+ hours everyday isn't as bad as you'd think it'd be
2) The most important piece of equipment you have is your reflective belt
3) The Army has a very different kind of humor
4) Malaria prevention pills give you the craziest dreams
5) Working out every day can actually get you in shape
6) Waking up at 2 in the morning is only worth it if you're going to see the President
7) You really appreciate the small stuff
8) Thanksgiving isn't quite as good without close friends
9) Having a DVR and someone back home who cares enough to send you all the shows you've missed is awesome
10) You realize you really couldn't do something like this completely on your own

In honor of the guys I'm working with...

2008-12-04T09:50:00.002-08:00

I hear this song at least twice a day. Normally, it's more like every other hour. So, for the guys in the office...

The RI Theme Song

What'cha gonna do, PL?
What'cha gonna do, PL?
When Murphy shows up and sh*t goes to hell,
What'cha gonna do, PL?

What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)
What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)
APL’s got us lost but you be the boss,
What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)

Okay, PL. You and your team have an ambush 7 clicks from here in 2 hours.
You’ll have Claymores out, security set in, and I don’t want to see any f*cking shortcuts.
I want a full op order in 20 minutes and I expect to hear a WARNO in 10.
What are your questions, PL?

What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)
What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)
8 clicks to go in the rain and snow,
What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)

What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)
What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)
When Murphy shows up and sh*t goes to hell,
What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)

What the f*ck is going on, PL?!
Where’s your f*cking security?
Your 240’s unmanned, the gunner’s off in the bushes dropping off a SEAL team,
Your SAW gunners are asleep and your Alpha Team Leader’s rubbing one out with a Maxim magazine and a white light behind that f*cking tree.
Are you in charge of this gagglef*ck?
What the f*ck are you doing, PL?!

What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)
What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)
You got 5 cantaleens and no MREs,
What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)

What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)
What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)
When Murphy shows up and sh*t goes to hell,
What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)

Hey! Wake up!

Okay, stop, PL. Where the f*ck do you think you are?
Show me on the map. No, point to it. Not with your finger, jackass!
Are you kidding? That’s where you think you are?
All right, PL. You got 20 minutes till hit time and you’re lost.
I’m going to help you out. You’re right here. See that? Good.
Set your compass to 270 degrees. Think you can cover 4 clicks in 20 minutes? Let’s find out.

(Incoming!)

All right, that’s it! You guys better get on the damn ground when one of those goes off or I’m going to start assessing casualties!
I said get on the damn ground!
You’re not flat when that f*cker goes off, you’re dead, you hear me! Dead!
Now get them out of here, PL!

What'cha gonna do, PL?
What are you gonna do, PL?
All night on your feet and not a wink of sleep,
What'cha gonna do, PL?

What are you gonna do, PL?
What are you gonna do?
When your team freaks out and people start to shout,
What'cha gonna do, PL?

You’re going to freak…out.
You’re going to freak the f*ck out.

What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)
What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)
What are you going to do when you don’t know what to do,
What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)

What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)
What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)
When Murphy shows up and sh*t goes to hell,
What'cha gonna do, PL? (What'cha gonna do?)

WHAT'CHA GONNA DO?!

All right, all of you wake the f*ck up!

WHAT'CHA GONNA DO?!

WHAT'CHA GONNA DO?!

I marched OPFOR up and down this road four times, right over your f*cking objective and you all slept right through it!

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?!

I’ve had it with you, PL! You’re a f*cking moron!
You’re incompetent. Time for extra training!

(Incoming!)

You’re dead, you’re dead, you’re dead!
Where’s the f*cking RTO?
You’re the RTO? You’re dead, too!
You even know your nine-line, PL? You better figure it out real fast!
If I were you, I’d start getting your people outta here before more of them die!
Maybe you want to get a MEDEVAC enroute, what you do think, PL?
Do you even know where your patrol base is?
What direction are you f*cking going, PL?
Where’s your f*cking medic?
You’re the medic? You’re f*cking dead, too! You’re f*cking dead!
Keep going, PL! What in the hell are you going to do now, huh?
You know what, I’ve had it with you, PL! YOU'RE DEAD!
FUCKING NO-GO! Who’s next in charge?!

First couple of weeks...

2008-12-01T09:05:00.001-08:00

So...I'm here. It's taken a couple of weeks to get settled, but that's to be expected. Especially when they're not expecting you. Great, huh? You fly half-way around the world and when you get there, everyone's like, "Oh. We weren't expecting you..." That's changed now as I get myself involved and working. It's not too bad. The food pretty good and I get to work out almost everyday. I'll probably be in the best shape I've ever been in when I get back. The work's not too bad either. I'm working about 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. It's not too bad when you don't have that much else to do.

Hopefully everyone had a good Thanksgiving. Mine was ok. We had the traditional food stuffs (turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, etc), but it was ala cafeteria style. I missed hanging out with friends too.

Well, got to go. I have to wake up early tomorrow. Take care till next time.

Another Adventure

2008-11-10T03:01:00.000-08:00

It's been a while hasn't it? I've taken a bit of a hiatus on this whole blogging thing, but it seems appropriate to start up again. I'm not even going to try and catch you up to everything that's happened the past few months as that would take too many blogs and we'd never get to current events. So you may be wondering what current events are...

Well...at the moment I'm sitting in the JFK airport listening to Band of Horses and waiting for a flight to Baltimore. Not too exciting, I know. The exciting part is over the next few days as I make my way to the country of Afghanistan. Yep, that's right. Afghanistan. For 6 months. It's been a mixture of emotions. I'm excited to go, but I'm definitely going to miss people. Especially since some aren't going to be there when I return. It's kind of strange. I'm not one to get really nostalgic, but I've definitely made some memories over the past few years. Some are good and aren't, but they've all helped shape who I am. I think this will be another one of those things. I'll try and keep you updated as things go. So let's toast, "To the next great adventure. May you always walk away from it enriched." (and, yes, I promise to keep my head down)

One of my favorite songs of all time

2008-05-03T12:00:00.001-07:00

A very important question...

2008-04-17T23:25:00.001-07:00

What's so wrong with having breakfast for lunch or dinner? And maybe more to the point...why shouldn't I be able to order breakfast for dessert at lunch? Strawberries & whipped cream on a shortstack...mmmmmm...delicious

Chase this Light

2008-04-11T17:23:00.000-07:00

I'm a suspect, I'm a traitor,

I'm only here in body visiting.

Yellow faces in the distance scream,

"The beauty is in what isn't said"

I'm rising to my feet...

Because tonight, the world turned in me.

Because right now, I don't dare to breathe.

Oh, babe, I know, it's alive and somewhere for us to find,

Tonight, oh chase this light with me.

My just so, my last call,

My life is yours in your gifted hands.

Confetti rainfall in a quiet street.

These things I've found are special now,

The knot is in my reach...

Because tonight, the world turned in me.

Because right now, I don't dare to breathe.

Oh, babe, I know, it's alive and somewhere for us to find,

Tonight, oh chase this light with me.

A movie, still photograph,

Through a martyr's eyes can I see,

I've seen the best of love, the best of hate, the best reward is earned,

And I've paid for every single word I ever said.

Confetti rainfall in a quiet street.

The beauty is in what you make it,

So get up on your feet...

Because tonight, the world turned in me,

Because right now, I don't dare to breathe.

Oh, babe, I know, it's alive and somewhere for us to find,

Tonight, oh chase this light with me.

The little things...

2008-03-17T23:17:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the last post. Hope I didn't worry anyone. It's how I was feeling and I'm trying to be honest about that stuff. I'm still feeling a little bit of it, but I'm doing better. Mostly because of the little things. Things like having a real one-on-one conversation with a good friend...or going to a club and discovering that they're actually playing some pretty good live music...or reading a funny blog by a cute girl I don't even know...or driving past the beach at sunset with the windows down blasting the new Jimmy album. Stuff like that. Life is actually pretty good, but for whatever reason, sometimes I forget and it takes the little things to remind me of that. I just need to stop and pay attention sometimes. Like the great western philosopher Ferris Bueller once said, "Life goes by pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

To help a little, I think I'm going to try and see a rock show sometime this week. If there are any suggestions out there, I'm all ears (well, not really all ears...although mine are kind of big) ;)

Finding myself a place to level out

2008-03-10T20:19:00.000-07:00

"When panic grips your body and your heart is a hummingbird
Raven thoughts blacken your mind until you're breathing in reverse
All your friends and sedatives mean well but make it worse
Every reassurance just magnifies the doubt
Better find yourself a place to level out

Got a cricket for a conscience always looks the other way
A cocaine soul starts seeming like an empty cabaret
Hey, where have all the dancers gone? Now the music doesn't play
Tried to listen to the river but you couldn't shut your mouth
Better take a little time to level out"

Some good advice from Bright Eyes. I think I'm depressed. Not depressed, depressed...just depressed. And I think I've been fighting it for a while now. Unsure for how long, but it's been there. It just really hit home today for some reason. There's no reason for it either. I have amazing friends, a good family, a good job, a great place to live...but for whatever reason, it's still there. So, I think that's what I need -- some time and a place to level out. And maybe a little help from the Brakeman, if he happens to turn my way.

Falling Slowly

2008-02-24T22:31:00.000-08:00

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react

And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat
And point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice
You have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly
Eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me
And erase me
And I'm painted black

Well you have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat
And point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice
You have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly
Sing your melody
I'll sing along

Feb 14

2008-02-13T22:24:00.000-08:00

Those who know me know that tomorrow is not my favorite day of the year. In fact, it's probably one of my least favorite. As far as I can recall, I've only had one really good Valentines' Day. And that was a really good one. Even with those great memories though, it's not enough to salvage the day. Hopefully tomorrow will be a fun one. I do have plans as you may have guessed from the picture. Don't laugh, but the fun part is that a friend talked me into being one of the people actually auctioned off. I figure that the worst that could happen is that I have a free awkward date. At least I'll get to see a movie or have dinner, right? Anyways...it should be a fun night and it's all going to a good cause. I just hope I can do better than Larry from Groundhog Day...

Auctioneer: "How much are you willing to pay for...this guy?"
Little Old Lady: "2 bits!"
Auctioneer: "Sold! for 25 cents!"
Little Old Lady: "I got him!"

To serve...

2008-02-09T21:42:00.000-08:00

Last night a bunch of us threw a going away for a friend of ours who's heading to Iraq tomorrow for 6 months. We were at Gaslamp Restuarant down in Long Beach and it was crazy! This great 80s cover band and the place was packed...anyways, that's not what this is about. The whole night made me think a bit. To some this may sound crazy, but I want to get deployed. I've been thinking about it for a while, but last night just really confirmed it. Yeah, it'll probably suck, but I think it's my time. I've had a few friends go over (one's even been twice and has a purple heart to show for it), and I think that it's my turn. There's a bunch of reasons to do it and a bunch of reasons not to, and I can't really explain it, but it's something I really feel a need to do. So hopefully in a couple months time, people will be throwing me a going away. Nothing's guaranteed, so I may not be going anywhere anytime soon. I'll keep y'all updated on everything that's going on and what I'm doing though. Until then, I'm just going to keep enjoying the beautiful sun and the beach :)

Hurt

2008-01-28T09:56:00.000-08:00

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Life on mute

2008-01-21T21:05:00.000-08:00

Here's a question for you. Bear with me for just a little because it takes a little set up...
Imagine someone was watching your life as if it were being televised. Not like the current reality TV crap that's out there now, but maybe something more along the lines of The Truman Show with real people instead of actors.

Now here's the question: What would this person watching see and understand of your life if they were to put everything on mute? No sound at all. I mean, they'd be able to tell that someone was talking, but they wouldn't be able to tell what was being said. What would they see and understand? Would they be able to tell who you loved or hated? Would they be able to tell who you helped or hurt? Could they understand what your hopes, fears, priorities, dreams, and disappointments are? And on the reverse, would they be able to see who loved or hated you, etc? Or would they just be confused by everything they see? You don't have to answer this, but would there be anything that you wouldn't want this person to see?

What would they think about you in your life? Would it be, "Man this person seems like an awesome person to know. I wouldn't mind running into him/her sometime."? Or would it be more along the lines of, "Thank God I don't know this person. He/she is a complete asshole."?

Here's the real, maybe more poignant question: Would what this person sees and understands about your life and what you think and say during your life match? Remember that's there's no sound. This person watching can only make judgements based on what your actions and how others react to what you say and do. If this person was to suddenly turn on the sound or be able to hear what you were thinking, would their opinion of you change? And if this person was to meet you, what kind of questions do you think they'd ask? Would they need a lot of clarification/explanation or would they want to have you watch their life?

Final question: Would you live your life any differently if you knew this person was watching? Why?

Anyways, it's just a thought I had on a recent plane ride while trying to watch the in-flight sitcoms without the headphones in. Just something to think about. For something else to contemplate, here's some music by Switchfoot. Enjoy!

"Stars"

Maybe I've been the problem,

maybe I'm the one to blame

But even when I turn it off and blame myself,

the outcome feels the same

I've been thinkin maybe I've been partly cloudy,

maybe I'm the chance of rain

And maybe I'm overcast,

and maybe all my luck's washed down the drain

I've been thinking 'bout everyone...

everyone, you look so lonely

But when I look at the stars...

When I look at the stars...

I see someone else

When I look at the stars...

the stars...

I feel like myself

Stars lookin' at our planet

watching entropy and pain

And maybe start to wonder how

the chaos in our lives could pass as sane

I've been thinking 'bout the meaning of resistance,

of a hope beyond my own

And suddenly the infinite and penitent

begin to look like home

I've been thinking 'bout everyone...

everyone, you look so empty

But when I look at the stars...

When I look at the stars...

I see someone else

When I look at the stars...

the stars...

I feel like myself

Everyone...everyone, we feel so lonely

Everyone...yeah everyone, we feel so empty

When I look at the stars...

I feel like myself

When I look at the stars...

the stars...

I see someone...

Step 1...

2007-12-17T15:33:00.000-08:00

Ok, I admit it. I'm addicted. I've known it for a while. I didn't think it would get this bad though. I used to only need one cup in the morning. If I didn't have at least that, I'd get these wonderful headaches in the afternoon. I think I'm getting to the point where I actually need something in the afternoon now as well. Today I had my normal two shots of espresso on the way to work and I was fine until after lunch. Now, I'm dragging ass and I have a slight headache. Hopefully I don't get to the point where I have to have a pot always brewing right next to my desk. That'd just be ridiculous. I don't think I'll let it get that far though. I'll switch to a nice tea before that ever happens. Maybe a nice Earl Grey...

And if you like the artwork, you can find more of it here by Andrew Saur and Angel Sarkela-Saur: http://www.justcoffeeart.com/gallery.html . It's kinda like waterpainting but with coffee.

Fun times & good stories

2007-12-14T12:48:00.000-08:00

Last night was a blast! A good friend and I tried to go up to Hotel Cafe in Hollywood to see a live performance by the Nightwatchman. If you don't know who that is, it's Tom Morello from Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave. The Nightwatchman is Tom's folksy acoustic alter-ego. It gets pretty political at times, but the fun part is that he always brings some friends to perform after he does. In the past we've seen Jon Foreman (lead singer of Switchfoot), Serj Tankian (lead singer of System of a Down), some of the guys from Cyprus Hill, Alexi Murdoch, Nuno Bettencourt, Perry Farrell (lead singer of Jane's Addiction), and Shooter Jennings.

Anyways, in case you you were wondering about who we saw last night, the key word in that second sentence here was "tried". Doors opened around 8:30, but we didn't get there until close to 9. The line was out the door and around the corner, but they were still letting people in. We stood in line for about 40 minutes before one of the guys at the door said, "Sorry folks, but we're completely at capacity. The show's sold out."

My friend and I looked at each other and said, "Well, at least we tried. " Standing in line wasn't a complete bust because we did get to see Anthony Kiedis (lead singer of Red Hot Chili Peppers) and a couple of other pseudo-famous people. Anyways, since we paid $10 to park, we didn't want to just go home, so we decided to walk around Hollywood a little and see what other kind of trouble we could get ourselves into.

Long story cut short...we ended up at the Knitting Factory listening to a guy named Graham Macrae and a duo named Frequentscenes. Both were pretty good, especially Frequentscenes. The best part was that it totally reminded me of home. Both acts had the whole coffee house thing going on which I've really missed from Seattle.

The best part of the whole adventure was that it was completely random. We started off trying to do one thing and when that didn't work out, we ended up doing something else that was just as good, if not better. I didn't get home till after midnight and still had to wake up for work this morning, but it was totally worth it. Cheers for fun times and good stories!

This Song Brought To You by a Falling Bomb

2007-12-10T10:10:00.000-08:00

Do you hear the jet plane
yawning miles across the sky?
Hear the garbage truck
back down the boulevard,
setting off the car alarms
as it passes by?

Do you hear the static
of one thousand detuned radios?
Shut the window, love.
Keep the world outside.
I don't want to think about anyone.

But the footsteps are getting louder,
drowning out the sound of the rain,
as it knocks on the windowsill.
I'm not answering the phone -- let it ring.

Lately I've been feeling like
a falling bomb.
The ground is getting closer
and the sky
is falling
down.

This song has been brought to you
by a falling bomb.

Tequila Christmas Cake

2007-12-04T21:11:00.000-08:00

Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

Running Up That Hill

2007-11-30T10:51:00.000-08:00

It doesn't hurt me.
You wanna feel how it feels?
You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?
You… If I only could, be running up that hill
You and me… If I only could, be running up that hill

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places…
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could...

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.
There is thunder in our hearts, baby.
So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me we both matter, don't we?

You… If I only could, be running up that hill
You and me… If I only could, be running up that hill
You and me won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places…
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could...

C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience...

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problem.

If I only could, be running up that hill.

Sleepless in LA

2007-11-26T00:09:00.000-08:00

This was a great weekend...until tonight. I can't sleep. I have a plane to the otherside of the country to catch in just a few short hours and I can't sleep. My mind is going in a thousand different directions and I can't find any way to turn it off. Most of the time, I just get tired enough that it shut down at least for a little while. But not tonight. Don't even know why either. It's not like my wife recently passed away...although I wouldn't mind living on a houseboat in Seattle. I'm not even worried about the speech I have to give. I just want to sleep. Hopefully, I'll be able to sleep while I travel. I've never really had a problem zonking out on an airplane. I'm going to go make some tea. Maybe that'll help...

Well, at least it was tasty. Not sure if it helped. And boy, there is some weird stuff on late night tv. This is when I wish I had a little switch on the side of my head that I could just flip. Ok, well I'm going to try laying down again. Worse case is that I only toss and turn for a couple more hours. Night.

So come on Davey...

2007-10-29T17:40:00.000-07:00

For the three people who actually read this...I know I've been gone for a while and haven't posted anything recently. And that's all I'm going to say about it.

Anyways, based on a conversation I had with a friend of mine not too long ago, I'm making a list. This is a list of things I want to do over the next year. Why am I doing this? Well...it seems like a good idea. I am not stealing this idea...just sort of borrowing it. (How do you borrow an idea you might ask? I'm not actually sure, but I am, so get over it.) I'm also in a good place in my life to make such a list. I've recently moved and moving always seems like a good time to make lists. With that I've decided to get serious and actually do some of those things that I said I was going to when I moved out here. As my friends, feel free to ask me how I'm doing with these things and don't hesitate to kick my ass if I'm not getting things done. If I've learned anything, that's what friends are here for...to beat the crap out of you. Anyways, the list...these aren't in any particular order...

- Finish furnituring my apartment. I know this may seem unusual for someone in his late-twenties, but up until now I've pretty much lived with people who had furniture which meant that I didn't really have to supply any. And now I have a nice apartment and would love to have people visit, but it's a little hard when all you have to sit on is a love-seat.

- Take the GMAT. Yes, I know business isn't the hardest of degrees, but I want to get a MBA and become a CEO of a large engineering company down the road. I also plan on getting a Master's in engineering and probably my PE, but this list is just for this next year...

- Learn to sail. Ok, ok, I already know how to sail, I'm just not certified. I also haven't gone out in a little while so I may be a little rusty...although someone once said that it's like falling off a bike...you never really forget how to do it

- Go skiing. Haven't been skiing in over 5 years. Enough said.

- Travel to someplace I haven't been. Yes, I know that's a little vague. I just like to travel and see new places. International would be awesome though...

- Be a better person. And yes, this one is also a little vague. We're talking about the whole gamut though. Better son, better brother, better friend, etc. I realize I haven't been a very good _______ (all those things, including the "etc") to the people in my life, so I'm going to work at that. I'm a little hazy on how to exactly accomplish this, but I have a couple of ideas. You'll probably hear more about it as I continue to write.

Well that's 6 things. And no. That's not everything I'm going to do in the next year. My life is a little more exciting than that. I never said this was going to be an extensive list. I'm just tired of writing at the moment. I'll keep you updated on how things are going and feel free to ask. And like I said, be a friend and come slap me a round a couple of times if you think I'm just being lazy. Well, I'm good to go. Until next time...

(Oh, and bonus points to whoever can figure out how the picture relates to the post...not that's it's really that hard)

2007-08-23T08:39:00.000-07:00

"I wake up to find it's another 4 aspirin morning and
I dive in
I put on the same clothes I wore yesterday
When did society decide that we
Have to change and wash a t-shirt after every individual
use
If it's not dirty I'm going to wear it
I take the stairs to the car and there's fog on the windows
I need caffeine in my bloodstream
I take caffeine to my bloodstream
I grip the wheel and all at once I realize
My life has become a boring pop song and
everyone's singing along"

An update...

2007-08-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

A lot's happened in the past few months, so I figured that I'd let y'all know what I've been up to...

I'm moving. I've been thinking about it for a couple months now and finally decided to do it. It's not that I hated where I was, I just wasn't happy there anymore. I needed a change of scenery. So, I'm moving up the road a little bit to a slightly quieter area with boats. I've been house-sitting for a friend of mine the past few days in that area and I know I'm going to love it. I'm getting a huge 1Bd/1Bth that right in the middle of a marina. It's quiet, but if I'm really looking for a crazy time, I'm within walking distance to bars and night life. The only thing that'll suck a little is that I'll be further away from some of my friends, but I'm still planning on coming down and hanging out as often as I can. And who knows? Maybe I'll pimp my place out so well that everyone will want to come and visit me. We'll see.

On a slightly different note...I think I'm going to come back to Seattle. I'm still not sure exactly when, but it looks to be sometime during the first week or so of September. I really need to come home and recharge. LA is just really starting to wear on me and I'm really starting to miss people. I'll let y'all know more as I figure it out.

So yeah...that's what's been happening in my life lately. It's been up and down a bit, but I'm positive about the future. I'm really looking forward to seeing where this next year goes and everything that's going to happen.

This morning's comics...

2007-08-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

Southbound

2007-08-11T18:18:00.000-07:00

It's all the same

Same old town with a different name

That's fine by me

There's only one place that I wanna be

Southbound I-5

Windows down and music on the stereo

I'm drivin' and I'm dreamin'

There's no place I'd rather go

Staring at white lines

On the side of the road

Been on the road awhile

I gotta get back to a place with style

Hang out, havin' fun

I gotta get back to the beach in the sun

Southbound I-5
Windows down and music on the stereo
I'm drivin' and I'm dreamin'
There's no place I'd rather go

Playing every night

with the occasional fight

Friends Forever

2007-08-03T10:50:00.000-07:00

2007-07-30T15:37:00.000-07:00

Love is patient and kind

Love is not jealous or boastful

It is not arrogant or rude.

Love does not insist on its own way

It is not irritable or resentful

It does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.

In pursuite of joy...

2007-07-24T20:28:00.000-07:00

I realize it's been a while since I last posted, but I have a question. Something I've been mulling over.

Where does joy come from? And by "joy", I don't mean a temporary happiness that may come for a short bit and then is gone the next. I mean a more permanent state of being. The opposite of bitterness. Does it come from upbringing? Or the people you surround yourself with? Is it what one does? Or the amount of stuff one has?

I know for myself, I get a taste of it when I'm outdoors or listening to some really good live music. But that's still temporary. Unfortunately, I can't be outdoors or listening to live music every moment of every day. Maybe I'm asking a foolish question. Maybe it's not possible and you just go from one moment to the next. Maybe that's what we hope for -- that next moment.

I don't know. I'm a bit of a pessimist and it's so easy to look back on those moments that I might have missed or I wish I could experience again. All that does is make me bitter and angry. Thankfully, I have some good people around me to slap some sense into me so I don't miss the next moment that comes down.

So as I continue to pursue that never ending fountain of joy at the end of the rainbow, I look forward to the next moment. Hopefully this Saturday. Maybe sooner if I'm lucky and the sun decides to come out.

Casey at the Bat

2007-06-13T09:42:00.000-07:00

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Mudville nine that day;
The score stood four to two with but one inning more to play.
And then when Cooney died at first, and Barrows did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.
A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
They thought if only Casey could but get a whack at that --
We'd put up even money now with Casey at the bat.

But Flynn preceded Casey, as did also Jimmy Blake.
And the former was a lulu and the latter was a cake;
So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat.
For there seemed but little chance of Casey's getting to the bat.
But Flynn let drive a single, to the wonderment of all,
And Blake, the much despised, tore the cover off the ball;
And when the dust had lifted, and the men saw what had occurred,
There was Johnnie safe at second and Flynn a-hugging third.

Then from 5,000 throats and more there rose a lusty yell;
It rumbled through the valley, it rattled in the dell;
It knocked upon the mountain and recoiled upon the flat,
For Casey, mighty Casey, was advancing to the bat.

There was ease in Casey's manner as he stepped into his place,
There was pride in Casey's bearing and a smile on Casey's face.
And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat,
No stranger in the crowd could doubt 'twas Casey at the bat.

Ten thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt;
Five thousand tongues applauded when he wiped them on his shirt.
Then while the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hip,
Defiance gleamed in Casey's eye, a sneer curled Casey's lip.

And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air,
And Casey stood a-watching it in haughty grandeur there.
Close by the sturdy batsman the ball unheeded sped --
"That ain't my style," said Casey. "Strike one," the umpire said.

From the benches, bleak with people, there went up a muffled roar,
Like the beating of the storm waves on a worn and distant shore.
"Kill him! Kill the umpire!" shouted someone in the stands,
And it's likely they'd have killed him had not Casey raised his hand.

With a smile of Christian charity great Casey's visage shone;
He stilled the rising tumult; he bade the game go on;
He signaled to the pitcher and once more the spheroid flew;
But Casey still ignored it and the umpire said, "Strike two."

"Fraud!" cried the maddened thousands, and the echo answered fraud;
But one scornful look from Casey and the audience was awed.

They saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his muscles strain,
And they knew that Casey wouldn't let that ball go by again.

The sneer is gone from Casey's lip, his teeth are clinched in hate;
He pounds with cruel violence his bat upon the plate.
And now the pitcher holds the ball and now he lets it go,
And now the air is shattered by the force of Casey's blow.

Oh! somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Mudville -- mighty Casey has struck out.

Wow, just...wow...

2007-06-11T14:49:00.000-07:00

If this doesn't make you want to go get some exercise, I don't know what will.

Elvis vs. The Beastie Boys vs. Me

2007-06-04T10:54:00.000-07:00

Last night I went for a really long walk and I think I'm getting old. My hip is bugging the crap out of me. I really need to stop my Elvis impersonating...too many pelvic thrusts...
I know I've said it before, but I also need to stop getting excited about stuff. Every time I do, it seems like I get schwacked. Maybe I do it to myself and, for whatever reason, I unconsciously sabotage the things I want to do the most. Hang on one moment...

Sorry, had to step away there for a moment. I just reread what I put down and oh my goodness, I'm being so dramatic. Somebody slap me. Please. I have to laugh at myself every once and a while. I'm retarded sometimes.

Meh...

2007-05-31T21:22:00.000-07:00

I'm in a bit of a funk tonight. Not sure why either. My life is good. I live in a nice apartment. I have a good job. I have some awesome friends. And I have an AMAZING girlfriend. So why? Don't know. Maybe I need more fiber in my diet. Or maybe I need to start working out again. Maybe I just need to go to bed. Anyways...I'll be back when I'm in a slightly better mood.

Reflections...

2007-05-21T13:23:00.000-07:00

...on to ACL!!!

2007-05-09T09:10:00.000-07:00

Last week was awesome! As you might be able to guess from the picture, I was at the Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival. I can't even begin to tell you everything that happened. So much music spread over 3 days...intense. I couldn't have done it alone though. That would have been a little overwhelming. No, I had the pleasure of going with a 4 year Coachella veteran who knew exactly what she was doing. I wouldn't have wanted to go with anyone else. We were exhausted by the end of everything, but it was so worth it. And the hotel room we got! A full suite from Embassy Suites less than 5 minutes from the venue...full kitchen, washer/dryer, two TVs, gi-nourmous king-size bed, celebrities next door...Wow, talk about living like rockstars! And all at the last minute too. There was a little drama trying to find a place to stay, but this place opened up at the last minute (and by "last minute", I mean 2 days before the SOLD-OUT festival) and we were able to swoop in and grab it. I couldn't have dreamed of a better setup. Next year is going to rock too. I can't wait until we do it again. Before then, we're going to hit Austin City Limits in, well, Austin. If Coachella was this crazy, I can't wait until September!

Oh, to give you a feel for just how much music we heard, here's a list of the performances we got to see...

Bjork, Interpol, Artic Monkeys, Silversun Pickups, Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Arcade Fire, Kings of Leon, Travis, Regina Spektor, Fountains of Wayne, The Decemberists, Jack's Mannequin, The Rapture, Peter Bjorn & John, Rage Against the Machine, Crowded House, Willie Nelson, The Roots, Damien Rice, Air, Placebo, Ratatat, and Teddybears

I may have forgotten a couple, but that gives you a pretty good idea of the magnitude of what we did. So...yeah, you can be jealous. Coachella was an effing awesome time.

Savior

2007-04-24T15:46:00.000-07:00

Until you crash
Until you burn
Until you lie
Until you learn
Until you see
Until you believe

Until you fight
Until you fall
Until the end of everything at all
Until you die
Until you're alive!

Don't save me, don't save me
‘Cause I don't care!
Don't save me, don't save me
‘Cause I don't care!

Until you give
Until you've used
Until you've lost
Until you lose
Until you see,
How could you believe?

Until you've lived a thousand times
Until you've seen in your lover’s eyes
This is my chance, this is my chance!

Don't save me, don't save me
‘Cause I don't care!
Don't save me, don't save me
‘Cause I don't care!

Until the truth becomes a lie
Until you change,
Until you deny
Until you believe

This is my chance, this is my chance
I'll take it now because I can
This is my chance, I want it now!

Don't save me, don't save me
‘Cause I don't care!
Don't save me, don't save me
‘Cause I don't care!

Save me, save me, save me
Save me, save me, save me

I don't care!

The Warmth

2007-04-17T10:03:00.000-07:00

I'd like to close my eyes and go numb
But there's a cold wind coming from
The top of the highest high-rise today
It's not a breeze 'cause it blows hard
Yes and it wants me to discard the humanity I know
Watch the warmth blow away

Don't let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you're alive
Experience the warmth before you grow old

So do you think I should adhere
To that pressing new frontier
And leave in my wake, a trail of fear
Or should I hold my head up high
And throw a wrench in spokes by
Leaving the air behind me clear

Don't let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you're alive
Experience the warmth before you grow old

Would you recognize beauty?

2007-04-10T13:57:00.000-07:00

This is one of the most fascinating articles I've read in a long time. It was a social experiment carried out by the Washington Post and titled Pearls Before Breakfast. It really makes me think about how we can be so completely focused on ourselves and how we can miss out on some simple but amazing experiences. It's especially poignant when the article mentions the different reactions between children and adults. How much have I missed because I was so focused on something that seemed important at the time but in reality was really something mundane? Really makes me want to slow down and appreciate life a little more.

For Those About to Rock

2007-04-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

We salute you!

For fun, some friends and I have put together a calendar that highlights a number of shows in local LA area (click here: Local Live Music). It doesn't have every show in LA because that would just be crazy (plus there are quite a number of shows that just aren't worth going to). Instead, I've tried to focus on artists that I think are worth seeing. Most of them are local, up-and-coming artists you've never heard of (but may someday) that we've seen at various shows. I update it periodically as I find new bands. If you have any suggestions, feel free to let me know. I probably won't add it to the calendar until I've actually gone and seen whoever it is, but I'm always looking for an excuse to go see good live music. Enjoy!

Thank You

2007-04-06T14:32:00.000-07:00

This is to the guy who paid for our lunch today at California Pizza Kitchen. You left before any of us got a chance to say thank you. And more than just buying lunch, you caused us to think about what we're doing. None of us really feel like we deserve anything for what we do. So, to whoever you are, I thank you for your support and for lunch. May it be returned ten fold to you.

From Yesterday

2007-04-04T13:38:00.000-07:00

He's a stranger to some
And a vision to none
He can never get enough,
Get enough of the one
For a fortune he'd quit
But it's hard to admit
How it ends and begins

On his face is a map of the world

From yesterday, it's coming!
From yesterday, the fear!
From yesterday, it calls him
But he doesn't want to read the message here

On a mountain he sits
Not of gold but of sin
Through the blood he can learn
See the life that it turn
From council of one
He'll decide when he's done
With the innocent

On his face is a map of the world

From yesterday, it's coming!
From yesterday, the fear!
From yesterday, it calls him
But he doesn't want to read the message here

On his face is a map of the world

From yesterday, it's coming!
From yesterday, the fear!
From yesterday, it calls him
But he doesn't want to read the message here

From yesterday,

From yesterday,
From yesterday, the fear
From yesterday,

From yesterday
But he doesn't want to read the message here

The Artist in the Ambulance

2007-03-25T21:38:00.000-07:00

Late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
Red light, can't stop, so I spin the wheel
My world goes black before I feel an angel lift me up
And I open bloodshot eyes into fluorescent white
They flip the siren, hit the lights, close the doors, and I am gone

Now I lay here owing my life to a stranger
And I realize that empty words are not enough
I'm left here with the question of just
What have I to show except the promises I never kept?
I lie here shaking on this bed, under the weight of my regrets

I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound

Look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares
It gets me down but I'm still gonna try to do what's right, I know that there's
A difference between sleight of hand, and giving everything you have
There's a line drawn in the sand, I'm working up the will to cross it and

I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound

Rhetoric can't raise the dead
I'm sick of always talking when there's no change
Rhetoric can't raise the dead
I'm sick of empty words, let's lead and not follow

Late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
Red light, can't stop so I spin the wheel
My world goes black before I feel an angel steal me from the
Greedy jaws of death and chance, and pull me in with steady hands
They've given me a second chance, the artist in the ambulance

I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound

Can we pick you off the ground, more than flashing lights and sound?

Flowers in the Window

2007-03-13T21:58:00.000-07:00

When I first held you I was cold
A melting snowman I was told
But there was no-one there to hold before
I swore that I would be alone for ever more

Wow, look at you now
Flowers in the window
It's such a lovely day
And I'm glad you feel the same
Cause to stand up, out in the crowd
You are one in a million,
And I love you so
Let’s watch the flowers grow

There is no reason to feel bad
But there are many seasons to feel glad, sad, mad
It's just a bunch of feelings that we have to hold
But I am here to help you with the load

Wow, look at you now
Flowers in the window
It's such a lovely day
And I'm glad you feel the same
Cause to stand up, out in the crowd
You are one in a million,
And I love you so
Let’s watch the flowers grow

So now we're here and now is fine
So far away from there and there is time, time, time
To plant new seeds and watch them grow
So there'll be flowers in the window when we go

Wow, look at us now
Flowers in the window
It's such a lovely day
And I'm glad you feel the same
Cause to stand up, out in the crowd
You are one in a million,
And I love you so
Let’s watch the flowers grow

Wow look at you now
Flowers in the window
It’s such a lovely day
And I'm glad you feel the same
Cause to stand up, out in the crowd
You are one in a million,
And I love you so
Let's watch the flowers grow
Let's watch the flowers grow

So...umm...yeah...

2007-03-12T16:39:00.000-07:00

As I briefly said in my last post, my little sister is engaged. I'm not sure how I feel about this. My mom is freaking out about it, but that's to be expected. I believe that I'm a little more open-minded than my mom, but I'll admit, I'm not entirely comfortable with the thought. I guess it really depends on when they decide to get married. I mean, marriage is a huge commitment, and I'm not sure that most people are ready for it, or can even understand it, at the age of 18. Hell, I'm 25, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for it. I look at my life the past couple of years and can see how much I've changed. I'm not the same person I was when I was 18. How can two people be ready to make that kind of commitment when they don't even know who they are yet. Yes, I realize that plenty of people do it, but I also realize that plenty of those same people are divorced by the time they're my age. I'm not saying that good stories happen, but the statistics don't lie.
I'm going to talk to her about it and get her side of the story, although I am a little miffed that I found out through MySpace. I'm starting to despise MySpace for similar things that have happened over the past few months. Maybe I should stop MySpace stalking people to find out how they're doing and just call them.
Anyways... She's engaged. I don't know the guy, but I will soon rectify that. He's going to get to know me real well (doesn't that sound ominous). I'm sure that if my sister likes him, he can't be all that bad, but people have been known to make mistakes. Oh! And she's moving in with him. Yeah, I'm really not sure how I feel about that. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty open-minded when it comes to stuff like that. But she's my little sister. I don't mind if she moves in with some guy as long as he's the right guy. I just don't want her to make a decision that she'll regret down the road. I haven't been the greatest older brother (in fact, I've pretty much sucked at it), but I do care about her and want her to do well in life.
If this is the path that she wants to take, I will support her as much as I can. I just want her to take some serious time and think about it. And maybe be engaged a few years before getting married. Hopefully, that doesn't make me sound like a horrible person. I just want my little sister to do well in life.

The past few days...

2007-03-11T20:10:00.000-07:00

This weekend sucked. It was not a good weekend. Let me explain...

I'd say it started on Thursday. I was given a couple days off work to go to this regional robotics competition with a local high school I've been volunteering at. Things weren't going so well with our robot because we had a couple design flaws. Nothing that we couldn't overcome, but it took some time. I believe Thursday was a 14 hour day, but fixed the main problem. Friday was more of the same, but in between actually competition. Friday, I also realized that I had caught a cold. I'd been stuffed up and sneezing on Thursday, but figured it was allergies. Nope.

Friday, I felt awful. That was another long day all the while feeling sick. Then I get home and find out that my little sister is engaged and moving in with the guy. This was the sister I thought I was the most tight with. So, on top of being sick, I'm trying to figure out why my sister hasn't told me and why I had to find out through MySpace. Then I start doubting myself as a brother (which I'll admit, I haven't been the best at) and as a person. Of course I also learn that my mom is freaking out about my sister being engaged and moving in with this guy so I have to deal with that. All of this left me with a really bad case of insomnia (which isn't the healthiest thing to have when you're sick), so I end up staying up watching Die Hard twice and Waking Life. I finally took some medicine and was able to pass out.

Saturday, I woke up early (which I shouldn't have) and went to the final day of the robotics competetion. I probably should've just stayed home, but I didn't want to disappoint the kids. They did alright and we even managed to score once, but I felt even worse than I did on Friday. I was able to talk to a really good friend of mine, and it was good to have someone that I could just bitch to about my life and not worry about what she thought. That brightened my day a little, but I ended up leaving the competetion a little early and crashing at home for a few hours. I did go out for a little bit after I woke up because a friend of mine was having a bonfire down at the beach. It was nice to go, sit, and stay at the fire while mulling over everything in my mind.

This morning I woke up feeling a little better and decided to go to church. That didn't work out so well because I didn't realize that today was daylight savings. Thankfully, some friends of mine were playing beach volleyball so I went and joined them. It just felt good to get out of the house and in the sun even though I wasn't feeling 100%. I got sunburned of course, but like I said, it was good.

So even though I haven't had the greatest weekend, I've realized something again. It's something that I continue to realize -- I have really good friends. I don't deserve them in any way, but for some reason, they stick around. Even when my weekend sucks and I feel like crap, they make me feel better. And the greatest part is that they're not even trying. They're just the way they are, and I love them for it. So, maybe this weekend wasn't a complete loss. I do hope, though, that next weekend is a little better...

Frail

2007-03-10T19:24:00.000-08:00

Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would

A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seemed to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

...frail

It's easier to ignore...

2007-03-05T19:47:00.000-08:00

So...I have this amazing girlfriend. We talk about a number of different things including books, movies, music, and life for hours on end. At times, she forces me to deal with stuff that I really don't want to deal with. In fact, most of it I would rather just ignore all together. But dealing with things is a good thing and I love her for it. I think the most frustrating thing for her is that, because I do tend to ignore stuff like this, I haven't really thought it through, so when we do talk about it, it comes out incoherently. Bits and pieces here and there all strung together with random emotions and a lot of "Um"s.

One of those things I would rather avoid is talking about my relationship with my dad. I realize that at least 9 out of 10 people have issues of kind or another with their parents. I just don't like to talk about it, but I feel like I should get it out. So here we go. I going to talk a little and see if things can be a little more coherent...

One of the things that I have realized is that my dad and I have not had a real, honest relationship in quite a while. And by "a while", I mean quite a number of years. Maybe we never really had one. That I don't know. I just know that even thought my dad was around, he really wasn't. I mean, we'd go and do stuff together, but it was always something he wanted to do and he would invite us along. I think he was trying, but maybe he just didn't know how to connect.

Some people have accused me of being kind of like a girl in some aspects and mannerisms and it's probably true. I realize now that I was pretty much raised by my mom. She was the one who was always home, who always did the disciplining, who always talked to us about things we were going through, etc. I think I understand a little better why she always seemed worn out and frazzled and would occasionally have a short fuse.

All of this leaves me feeling very conflicted. Part of me isn't upset by the way things are because I would be a very different person if things had been different. And I really have no regrets about who I am. The other part of me is pissed because I feel like got jipped on a part of my childhood. I never had those "talks" with my dad. I never had someone I could go talk to about girls and stuff like that. I've pretty much had to figure it out all myself.

Like I said, I don't think that my dad intentionally tried to wall himself off. I think that for most of my life he was trying to connect but didn't know how or maybe didn't realize it. I do remember times shortly before the divorce, he tried to open up and really get to know me. By that time though, I was partly through college, so this new side of my dad was weird. And maybe that's on me. When he finally did try and open up, I shut him out because it made me feel uncomfortable. But why did it take that long?

So the way I have been dealing or coping with this is to ignore the whole situation. I haven't really talked with my dad in couple of years. I don't know if I really know how anymore. I'm pissed, yes. But I'm also saddened for losing something I don't think I ever really had. The saddest part is that while I haven't really talked to him in that long, I can't say that I've really missed it during that time. I think I've been missing it for a lot longer than that.

To Dreaming...

2007-02-09T10:24:00.000-08:00

To be or not to be…that is the question…
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
and by opposing, end them.

To die…to sleep…no more;
And by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache
and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to…
Tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd.
To die…to sleep…to sleep, perchance to dream.

Ay, there's the rub…
For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come,
when we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
must give us pause?

There's the respect that makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
th'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
the pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
the insolence of office, and the spurns
that patient merit of th'unworthy takes,
when he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin?

Who would fardels bear,
to grunt and sweat under a weary life,
but that the dread of something after death?

The undiscovered country from whose bourn
no traveller returns, puzzles the will,
and makes us rather bear those ills we have
than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
and thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied
o'er with the pale cast of thought,
and enterprises of great pith and moment
with this regard their currents turn awry,
and lose the name of action.

Learning to Breathe

2007-02-05T12:39:00.000-08:00

Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is the way that I say I need You
This is the way, this is the way that I'm...

Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

So this is the way that I say I need You
This is the way that I say I love You
This is the way that I say I'm Yours
This is the way, this is the way that I'm...

Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how you do?

If you really like her, man, go for it.

2007-02-04T13:48:00.000-08:00

Really? Ok then. I will.

I don't understand why people can't be honest about how they feel. Call me naive, but I tend to take things at face value. It's not that I really am naive, it's just that I'm not going to run my life around what people are passive-aggressively not saying. You always end up second guessing yourself and regretting what you did/didn't do. I'm simply not going to do that. If you really feel strongly about something, man-up and tell me before it's too late. That's all it takes. I'm not a horrible person, I just don't accept passive-aggressive behaviour. It's childish and weak. I haven't always been this way. I used to be the most passive-aggressive person you'd ever meet. Things have changed though, as I've seen what it can do to relationships. People want things one way but don't have the balls to actually say it. It goes on for a while and things get worse and worse and build up until everything explodes. And it's never a pretty explosion. In the end the relationship is ruined. I would so much rather fight over something at the beginning of all that, come to some resolution, and move on. The relationship becomes a lot stronger and the people closer because of what happened, instead of driving each other away. The best relationships/friendships I've ever had are with people who aren't afraid to tell me exactly how they feel. Not in a mean way, of course, but in a, "Steve, knock it off. I'm your friend, but you're acting like an idiot and it's bugging the crap out of me" kind of way. Those are the kind of friends that I want. So yes, all of that to say that I'm not going to pay attention to passive-aggressive behaviour. And that's all I have to say on that.

Here's a good laugh...

2007-02-02T15:56:00.000-08:00

Just for kicks, I looked up my horoscope for today. So, from http://www.astrology.com/, here's what it says:

"You're like a well-oiled machine or a thoroughbred horse. As such, you need to be taken to the best venues with people who will appreciate you accordingly. So get out there and show yourself off."

Hahahaha...it just makes me laugh.

A Pillow, An Hour & Me

2007-01-30T10:15:00.000-08:00

Patience is overrated
And moderation's not the key
To a life of easy breathin'
Just add a pillow, an hour and me

Cause I have tried to run forever
From A to Y without my Z's
But when it all finally falls together
It's just a pillow, an hour and me

I could be in the middle of a seminar
All about fireworks, cookies and girls
But if I had my way, I'd call it a day
And hit the hay while the world still swirls

You can have me back when I'm all done

So I have already worked myself out
But you remain a mystery
I only dream of a day you realize
You need a pillow, an hour and me

If you're tired of being bored, take a nap
They said they'd call you back, take a nap
The light just turned to red, take a nap
You're barely out of bed, take a nap
You're feet are full of lead, take a nap
Too many thoughts inside your head, take a nap

A Lamp No More

2007-01-27T16:42:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's true. The eternal lamp (me) is seeing someone. And yes, for those who've been following things the past couple of months, it's the girl that I've become really good friends with. I actually wasn't expecting it at all. We'd even talked about two weeks beforehand about staying friends. Last week though, we ended up talking about things again and this time, it was a little different. Something had changed and we were both very open and honest about how we were feeling - hopes, fears, etc. We're both worried about screwing something up and ruining the friendship that we have, but I believe that we'll be friends for a long time even if things don't work out romantically. There will be drama. No doubt about it. But there are very, very few things in life that come simply that are worth having. Or at least in my experience. You have to work for those things that are worth having. I think that we balance each other out pretty well too. I tend to be even-keeled and very level. She tends to push me to want more out of life and not become stagnent. It's great because we both feel very comfortable around each other and are able to really be ourselves. It's really nice not having to play games. We get to spend more time actually getting to know each other and figuring each other out. I look forward to telling you all more about it as we go on. :)

Our Deepest Fear

2007-01-20T12:12:00.000-08:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Trees Without Leaves

2007-01-16T23:00:00.000-08:00

All the stars in the sky fell tonight
All the hills I've yet to climb drown tonight
I want to die
I'd rather run, than fight

Trees without leaves
Words with no sound
Clouds without rain
I'm coming down

Birds without wings
Breath without air
Love with no one left to share

What about my God?
What about my goals?
What about my kids?
Don't take my hope?

Dark Sky, Long Night
Dark Sky, Long Night

Road Trip!

2007-01-10T21:28:00.000-08:00

Early tomorrow morning, I am heading up to Portland for a wedding! One of my roommates from college is getting married (www.jpandsara.com). For whatever reason, I've decided to drive. We'll see how it goes. I do look forward to seeing some people I haven't seen in quite a while. Those of you who happen to be there will even be able to meet one of my Air Force friends who happens to be visiting home at the same time. Well, I need to get some sleep. I have at least a 12 hr drive ahead of me.

Somedays

2007-01-09T09:17:00.000-08:00

Somedays…
Somedays…
Somedays just ain't so easy

Wake up, look around
just before your feet hit the ground
Where they make the oil and street,
is where you stand and where you sleep
Black and whites along the lights,
plain clothes and Miranda Rights
At the right place but in the wrong life,
somedays just ain't so easy

Somedays…
Somedays…
Somedays just ain't so easy

It's not the fault of anyone
as we revolve around the sun
We sleep beneath the same sky
but we all see it through different eyes
So if you go or if you stay,
standin' still or if you walk away
If you bend or if you break,
somedays just ain't so easy

Somedays…
Somedays…
Somedays just ain't so easy
Oh yeah

Nobody say it's so easy, yeah
I don't care for somedays

Someone may have done you right or done you wrong,
or kept it down from the day you were born
There's no need to apologize for the riot in your eyes
Somedays just ain't so easy
Hey! Hey! Hey!

Somedays…
Somedays…
Somedays just ain't so easy

The Life of a Lamp

2007-01-04T22:37:00.000-08:00

Ok, some of you may be wondering why I am "The Lamp" on MySpace. It comes from the movie Just Friends. The main character Chris Brander is telling a friend his view on becoming friends with a girl. He says, "Y'see, when a girl decides that you're her friend, you're no longer a dating option. You become a complete non-sexual entity in her eyes, like a brother... or a lamp." And that is me. A lamp. Now, it's hard to write this and not sound bitter because I'm really not. I really value and cherish my role in people's lives as a lamp and I hope that I can use my lamp-ness and be a light to them. It's just frustrating because it always happens. I am a girl's best friend next to diamonds and a gay guy. I'm the guy that girls say, "Oh, you're the kind guy that I'd recommend to my friends." That's nice and all, but the annoying thing is that they wouldn't actually consider dating me themselves and it's always their friends who aren't around. The thing I've been told the most is that I'm simply "too nice". I fucking hate that phrase (sorry about the language). I've also been given a lot of advice to try and help me be more than a lamp (maybe a chandelier instead), which I appreciate, but most of it entails trying to be someone I'm not. I don't want to have to fake who I am to make a girl interested. I don't want to be a jerk just to get a girl's attention. I don't want to play the game. I just am who I am and am working toward who I want to be. Is that too much to ask? Sigh. It's just frustrating.
Again, for those of you who I am a lamp to, I hold no bitterness, anger, or anything else against you. I have no regrets and feel blessed to be a part of your lives. For those who I will become a lamp to...well...you are going to get one of the best friends you'll find. I am a damn good lamp. To the one who will see me as more...I don't know what to say. I hope you're out there.

Two years ago to the day...

2007-01-03T15:29:00.000-08:00

...I left Spokane on a plane heading toward Alabama to begin my Air Force career. Since then, I have met and gotten to know some amazing people. And not all of them have been in the Air Force. I've done things and been places I never thought I'd go. I've had one promotion and worked on some interesting projects. Some much has happened that I really can't believe it's only been two years. At the same time, it seems like only yesterday that I was back in Seattle going through my senior design project. I've grown up a lot since I left though. I'm not sure I can say that I'm the person I want to be, but I think/hope I'm headed in the right direction. It hasn't been all Ss &Gs, but I think that's definitely a part of growing up. Knowing what I know now, I don't think I'd do many things differently. It'll be interesting to see where I am in the next two years. I have some huge questions to answer between now and then, but I think that whatever happens I'll be ok.

The New Year

2007-01-02T18:23:00.000-08:00

So this is the new year.
And I don't feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions

So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogs bleed into one

I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then I could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that could hold us back.

There'd be no distance that could hold us back

So this is the new year...

A quiet morning...

2006-12-25T21:09:00.000-08:00

The squeak of my shoes. The sound of a far off jetliner. And that's about all I could hear. It's really quiet up at Kerry Park in Seattle at 5:15 on Christmas morning. It's also a little cold and very beautiful. I'll say more later. For now, Merry Christmas!

I Can Get Through

2006-12-24T20:24:00.000-08:00

It's been a long day
I don't have much to say
My mind is so tired
I wanna be with you by the fire

My strength is low
The top of my head is cold
I know you're on your way
I just heard your tires hit the driveway

I can get through
By loving you
I'll be alright
Cause you love me too
I can make it through another night
Will you hold me tight?
Will you hold me tight?

My vision is getting worse
These pills sometimes feel like a curse
My memory is no sharp edge
But there is one thing I won't forget

I can get through
By loving you
I'll be alright
Cause you love me too
I can make it through another night
Will you hold me tight?
Will you hold me tight?

It's good to know my love has come back to me
I don't know what I would do without you here
And even if time runs out and you let me go
Your closeness dries my tears

I can get through
By loving you
I'll be alright
Cause you love me too
I can make it through the darkest night
Will you hold me tight?
Will you hold me tight?

I'm not sure why...

2006-12-21T10:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I was upset. Really, truely upset. The weird part was that I wasn't upset for myself. I was upset on behalf of someone else. I was upset because this friend keeps getting screwed over in life and really doesn't deserve it. I kind of felt like the prophet Jeremiah in the Old Testement Bible. Now, this guy had balls because he kind of tells God off. In Jeremiah 12:1, he tells God (and this is me paraphrasing), "God, You're righteous in everything You do, but...what the hell? I want to talk to you about your justice. Why do bad people get away with things and good people get screwed over?" That's how I was feeling. Part of it was probably because I'm still burned out, frustrated, and really need to get out of LA. It was kind of a weird feeling. I kept asking myself, "Why am I upset?" Nothing happened to me; I was fine. Even now I can't explain it. Thankfully, I went to see some live music from a couple of really good local bands. That always calms me down. I also found the passage from above and kept reading, because I couldn't remember how God responded to Jeremiah. I was a little surprised because God doesn't get upset. I was expecting a, "Who are you to question me?" or "You could never understand My plan". No, instead, God simply responds (and this is paraphrased again), "The bad people will get what's coming to them. The good people I'll take care of." It's kind of like, "Don't worry, just be patient. You can't see the end. Justice will be served." For whatever reason, reading that helped. I hate having to wait and continually see my friends get screwed, but I pray that God does take care of them in the end and will bring joy once again. Hopefully, in the meantime, I will continue to be a good friend that people can lean on.

I'm burned out...

2006-12-18T08:57:00.000-08:00

in just about every way possible - physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, etc. I hate LA and most of the people in it. What's wrong with me? I know that in time this will pass, but it sucks right now and I feel really stupid because I know it's ridiculous. What I really need is about a 3 month sabbatical. Just disappear by myself and go tour Europe, trek through the Alps, charter a sailboat and sail to Australia, get completely lost in Russia, or something along those lines. ARRGH!! I head home in a few days and I'm really looking forward to it so hopefully I'll be feeling a little better by then.

A friend's a friend forever...

2006-12-04T19:27:00.000-08:00

I know I said I wasn't doing this anymore, but this is probably the most heartfelt posting I'm going to write down.
You have to understand something about me...my friends are the most important thing in my life. Especially the few that I consider my "best friends". And that means I want to be the best friend in return. Nothing frustrates me more than when I can't help or be there for a friend or don't know how to. It frustrates me so much that I get pissed at myself and then lash out. When I lash out, I've failed as a friend. The one thing that I never want to do. It's so hard sometimes, because there's a lot that I don't know how to fix. You all mean so much to me. The most complicated way I can put it is that I love you. You're more than I deserve. Thank you.

I've decided to take a break

2006-11-30T21:31:00.000-08:00

While I was on a really looooong walk, I realized something about this blog and my life as a whole. I bitch about a lot of the same stuff. And the sad part is most of it I have control over. So I've decided to take a break from blogging for a while. I'll be back when I've changed a few things in my life. I don't know how long that will be, but since hardly anyone reads this, it probably won't make that much of a difference. Before I go, I will leave you with one last song by Switchfoot. And I honestly don't know the answer to their question...

"This Is Your Life"

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken

Don't close your eyes

This is your life, and today is all you've got now
yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be,
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose?

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be,
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose?

Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be,
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose?

and you had everything to lose...

My prayer for you

2006-11-29T22:41:00.000-08:00

Bring joy to your servant,

for to you, O Lord,

I lift up [her] soul.

(from Psalm 86:4)

When life throws you lemons...be glad they're not rocks

2006-11-29T16:38:00.000-08:00

Why can't life be easy? I know I've asked this before, but I keep getting slapped in the face by it. Maybe I'm trying to do to much or be friends with too many people. I hate the fact that I have friends who can't stand each other. I hate having to balance one group with another. And I hate having one group upset at me for trying. I also hate always wondering "What if?". And I definitely hate the fact that I can't be with one of the coolest girls that I've ever met. It sucks. Granted, I have some amazing friends. And I should be grateful for that, which I am. Don't get me wrong. But, damn it, why can't things work out? I know, I know... "In God's timing", blah, blah, whatever. It's just frustrating. Maybe it'd be easier to just get deployed and go to Iraq for a year. It'd be a nice vacation, wouldn't it? I've always wanted to travel internationally. And at least this way, I'd be getting paid for it. Sigh. Maybe in a few years I'll be able to understand it all. The thing is...I wouldn't do it any other way. I just wish it was a little easier or less complicated.

The Melting Point Of Wax

2006-11-25T15:22:00.000-08:00

I've waited for this moment
All my life and more
And now I see so clearly
What I could not see before.
The time is now or never
This chance won't come again
Throw caution and myself into the wind.

There's no promise of safety with these secondhand wings
But I'm willing to find out what impossible means.
A leap of faith.

Parody of an angel
Miles above the sea
I hear the voice of reason
Screaming after me
"You've flown far too high boy now you're too close to the sun,
Soon your makeshift wings will come undone"

But how will I know limits from lies if I never try?

There's no promise of safety with these secondhand wings
But I'm willing to find out what impossible means.
I'll climb through the heavens on feathers and dreams
'Cause the melting point of wax means nothing to me.
Nothing to me
Nothing to me

I will touch the sun or I will die trying.
Die Trying.

Fly on these secondhand wings
Willing to find out what impossible means
I'll climb through the heavens on feathers and dreams
'Cause the melting point of wax means nothing to me
Nothing to me
Means nothing to me
Miles above the sea.

Dating Advice

2006-11-20T12:06:00.000-08:00

It's always interesting to get dating advice from both guys and girls, especially when you're not asking for it. Guys tend to always focus on "going for it" and getting a number or hooking up. Girls focus more on the relationship and being more than friends. Both tend to be off a little, but it helps to listen.
People (guys and girls) continually ask me what's going on in my life as far as meeting people of the opposite sex. I probably give them way more information that they were expecting, but it helps me sort out what I'm feeling. The advice they give is also good because I bounce it off what I've told myself to see if I agree with what I've been thinking. I know that sounds weird but let me see if I can give an example...
Ok, I meet this girl and we become friends. I don't think that I want to be more than that. Somehow or another, I start talking to people about it and they start giving advice like, "whoa, if you're going to be more than friends you need to be careful of...(whatever)". I start to argue and try to get them to understand that friends is all I want. They normally get really confused at this point, because why would anybody just want to be friends? It also makes me wonder if friends is all I want, so I have to go back and think about it some more. In the end, it either confirms what I was thinking or it makes me confused as hell.
Other times, people just say what I already know. Like having confidence and just going for it. People tell me, "If you like her, just go for it and...(tell her, kiss her, etc)". Yes, I know. But for whatever reason (I'm a pansy-ass) doing that (telling her, especially kissing her, etc) makes me really, really nervous and I end up not doing it. I tend to over think it (what if she doesn't like me, what will happen afterward, etc) and freeze up, all the while kicking myself for being an idiot.
The other funny thing is that a lot of people ask me for advice. Why is that? It's not like I have tons of experience. I mean I've kissed three girls and had one girlfriend in the last 25 years. People would do better to come and ask advice about how to just be friends with girls. I'm real good at that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter about it at all. It's just that sometimes...it'd be nice...anyways, that's not here nor there. And even though I don't have a lot of experience, I'm always willing to listen and provide feedback from what I see. That's it for now. Take care!

Home for the Holidays

2006-11-19T11:51:00.000-08:00

Well...I just bought my tickets for coming home over Christmas. I'll be landing in Seattle the evening of the 21st and flying out the evening of the 28th. Hopefully, I'll be able to see a few of you at some point during that week. I will head over to Moses Lake for a couple of days, but I plan on spending most of my time in and around the Seattle area. I'll let you know more as it gets closer. Can't wait to come home again!

Starlight

2006-11-14T07:06:00.000-08:00

Far away
The ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

Starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let’s conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

But I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

Far away
The ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

And I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

Let's just say...

2006-11-13T18:36:00.000-08:00

I'm an idiot and I'd rather not talk about it.

Tomorrow...

2006-11-10T20:04:00.000-08:00

Those who know me, know that I am not the most hardcore patriotic person in the world. And nevermind what your political beliefs are. Tomorrow is Veterans' Day. I know a number of people serving in the Arms Forces including one who has already earned the Purple Heart at the age of 24. It's not the most rewarding of jobs or the most glamorous, but they are serving none the less. So, I would ask that sometime tomorrow you just say a quick prayer for those who have volunteered to be in the military. And if you get a chance say thanks, you don't know how much it means.

Some art from my sister - "Daydreams"

2006-11-05T17:25:00.000-08:00

Frail

2006-11-03T10:14:00.000-08:00

Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would

A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken,
Growing old,
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

Blessed are the shallow
For depth they'll never find
Seemed to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken,
Growing old,
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

…frail

How do you connect?

2006-11-01T07:43:00.000-08:00

Ok, I was thinking the other day about something my mother will sometimes bring up. I think she read it in a book somewhere, but it has to do with connecting with people. She always says that there are five main ways people connect to each other or show affection both giving and receiving. I thought about it a bit and think that she may be on to something. I actually think that people interact at varying levels of all five. I'll use myself as an example.

The main way that I connect with someone is through "quality time". Those are my mom's words not mine. I just call it hanging out. I'm not really particular about what I am doing when I'm hanging out. I just enjoy the time. This drives some people nuts. Several times, I've been hanging out with someone and they ask, "Well, what do you want to do?" I answer to the effect that I really don't care, which is true. I really don't. What's important to me is that we are just doing something together. I think this is why I really enjoy sitting down to coffee or going for long aimless walks with someone. The interesting thing is that, while this is the main way I connect with people, this is not my most intimate way of connecting.

The most intimate way I connect or show affection is through physical contact. Now, I'm not necessarily talking sex or making out or stuff like that. That is a part of it, but for me, it's more the little things. Like a hug or putting my arm around someone or simply a hand on the back. When I touch someone, unless it's out of necessity, I'm the most vulnerable. This is why I can count the number of girls I have kissed on three fingers. For whatever reason, it's big deal for me. I don't quite understand it, but it's something I've realized about myself. On the opposite side, I don't really touch people I don't like or don't feel completely comfortable around.

Now, getting back to what I was saying earlier about having varying levels of all five. While those two are the biggest for me, the others are still there. The next highest would be doing things for people, then giving gifts, and lastly "words of affirmation". I won't go into details about those unless people are curious because they are kind of self defining.

The interesting thing is that everyone is a little different and connect in different ways. My mom was saying that her main way was quality time, but my dad's was doing things for people. Until they realized this, they would get a little frustrated because neither "understood the other". (They still ended up getting divorced, but that's a separate issue) If you really want to connect with people, it's important to understand how you connect with them and how they may try to connect with you. It's also important to have honest, open communication, but that's a future post.

Who says I don't listen or learn anything from my mom? Someday I may even read the book...if I can remember what she said the title was. Anyways, this turned out to be longer than I thought it was going to. Take it how you will, but I need to get back to work.

Argh...

2006-10-30T06:41:00.000-08:00

I've been debating whether or not to blog about this for a little while now. It has the possibilty of causing problems, but I have said that I would be open and not edit myself based on who might read this. With that said, here goes...

So, there's this girl. Simply put, she's amazing. One of the most facinating people I've ever met. Way, way out of my league. Despite that, we've been getting to know each for a little bit now and have become pretty good friends. Due to circumstances, it'd be a little complicated to be more than that. Or maybe I'm using that as an excuse. I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to move beyond friends. I don't know. I'll admit, it's a little scary. Now, I want to make it clear that I am not complaining about the situation. Far from it. I feel extremely blessed to have made such an awesome friend. And in no way is this her fault (as if somehow it even could be). I am just frustrated with myself. I get to a point and just can't seem to get beyond it. Maybe I'm destined to be everyone's best friend. If that's what it is to be, then hey-ho, ok. I could do way worse and I would rather have that then be one of those guys that is constantly moving from one girl to another. Anyways...

Like I said, this may cause trouble, but it helps to get it down. Take it as you will. Well, I need to catch a plane to Colorado. Hopefully, a huge blizzard will blow in and cause us to be stuck there for a while. I miss the snow and the cold.

For those times...

2006-10-22T18:48:00.000-07:00

Oh Mercy, fall on me like a warm blanket
...on my cold, cold heart
Clean me with Your blood that turns me white on the inside
I'm on my knees again 'cause I'm breaking Your heart

Put in me...what I cannot buy with gold
Put in me, Oh God...come restore my broken soul
Put in me...what I cannot give myself
Put in me...a clean heart

I know all my broken places like the back of my hand
...that slapped Your face again
Wash me in Your love and hold me tight like a baby
Till I have no memory of breaking Your heart

Put in me...what I cannot buy with gold
Put in me, Oh God...come restore my broken soul
Put in me...what I cannot give myself
Put in me...a clean heart

And in the joy when You restore me, I will stand and walk again
I will run into this world; I will call them to come in
But I will not point the finger or grow that wicked skin
That cannot remember what I will not forget
How I broke you...or how I'm broken

The Blame Game

2006-10-19T09:58:00.000-07:00

I’m going to rant about topic has come a few times the past few days and was once again reemphasized about an hour ago. There's two parts to it.
First:
I don't quite understand why, but some people feel a need to blame others for things they (the ones doing the blaming) screwed up. I'll admit, it sucks having to own up to your mistakes, but to continuously push them on to others is ridiculous. It’s not like we’re little kids pointing at your sister saying, “She did it”. We’re adults here (well most of us), let’s act like it.
Second:
This one I can kind of understand, but it’s still not healthy. It’s the complete opposite of the first. This one people blame themselves for the actions of others. It doesn’t make much sense because you can’t control what another person does or thinks. They will make their own mistakes and have to live with the consequences. We screw up enough on our own, so we really don’t need to take any additional guilt or blame for someone else screwing up.

So, in conclusion…
First group – You’re probably the ones I’m most frustrated with. Take responsibility for your freaking actions. Be an adult and say, “Ok, I screwed up. What needs to be done to fix it?” It’s amazing what happens when you take all the energy you used to make sure everyone knew it’s not your fault and use it for something productive.
Second group – What they did is not your fault. Take responsibility for your own actions and leave theirs to them. It’s ok to help them fix whatever mess they’ve gotten themselves in, but remember, you didn’t get them there. They did. And don’t let them push things onto you. You have enough things to worry about.

And that’s all I have to say about that. Next topic…

2006-10-17T11:26:00.000-07:00

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately...and I've realized it's a dangerous pastime. It can get you in serious trouble. Thankfully, I haven't done anything yet, but there's always the possibility. Anyways...like I said, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Mostly about trivial topics like friends, God, love, life, sex, beliefs, parents, girls, what I want to do in life and where I'm going, who I want to be...too much to really put down here. It makes for some really interesting driving. (for those of you who don't know, I have this habit of taking long drives to nowhere just to listen to music, think, and charge my cell phone) Thankfully, I don't have to come to any conclusions any time soon. That's what the rest of my life is for. However, I will share some of what I'm thinking, starting with an easy thought. (I'll save the rest for other posts)
I've been thinking about sailing and taking lessons. Ok, so this isn't a very deep, complex thing to think about, but it's something that has been constantly on my mind. And I was just talking to a friend last night about it. I just have such good memories from sailing. Being outside on the water with friends. It was a simpler time. When things like divorce and broken trust hadn't happened. When I think back to all the adventures we had, it's always accompanied by a smile. I don't want to forget those times. Slight rabbit trail, but I'm actually considering getting another tattoo to help with that. Probably a sailboat heading off into the sunset or something like that. It's still a work in progress. Anyways, I want to be able to go out on the water again. I realize that it won't be quite the same, but it will still be a good time. And it'll be something of myself and my experiences I can share with others.

Hey, it happens...

2006-10-13T22:49:00.000-07:00

An action packed weekend

2006-10-09T19:37:00.000-07:00

Where to begin? This weekend was good. I didn't get as much sleep as I wanted but I wouldn't have done it any differently. This might take a while as I have been pretty busy the past few days...

We'll start with Friday night. One of the guys we know is heading off to Afghanistan for a few months and needed to get rid of the alcohol in his place. We didn't want to let him down, so we helped. And boy did we help. It turned into a pretty normal night as everyone drank and then headed to our favorite bar. Now, normally when someone we know is leaving for more than a couple of months, we try to have such a blast that they don't remember it. Unfortunately, the guy who's leaving was still pretty sober at the end of the night. I attribute this mostly to the fact that everyone else was not. Oh well...

On to Saturday. Because of Friday night, we watched the University of Texas game at home instead of going to a bar where all the alumni hang out. My roommate and a couple other people I know are went to UT, so it's fun to give them crap and cheer for the other team. Yes, I realize that it's a bit passive aggressive, but it's still fun.

After the game, I headed up north to Hollywood to hang out with a new friend. It was a really good time. We tripped up and down Hollywood Blvd and ended up talking for a good while. I think we're going to be really good friends. (I know you're going to read this, so don't let it go to your head) It's very unusual to meet some who has a desire to be real, especially in this area. She's just very smart and passionate about life and doesn't try to gloss over anything or pretend to be someone she's not. That's just how she rolls. It's very refreshing. Back to the story... It got pretty late, so I ended up crashing on a futon at her place for the night. Sunday, we watched a bit of Dane Cook (who's hilarious by the way) and "Just Friends" starring Amy Smart and Ryan Renolds. It was just fun hanging out. I haven't done that for a while. Like I said, it was a good time.

Not too much more, don't worry. Last night, a friend of mine had a housewarming party. It was...interesting. We watched football and baseball while grilling and drinking. By the end of it people were really loud and drunk. I was completely sober and a little tired so I left a bit early to get some sleep.

I needed the sleep because today, I played golf with my roommate and some people he knew from work. I haven't played golf in over a year, which meant that I wasn't expecting to do very well. I also have only played a full 18 holes about twice in my life. At the end of the day though, I didn't do that bad. I think I averaged about double-bogey on everyhole. Final score: 112. It was a good time. And I am very tired. However, I am about to go see "The Departed" which I've heard really good things about. Yeah, this got a little long. Sorry. I'll make 'em shorter next time. Promise.

I should really be in bed...

2006-10-04T21:49:00.000-07:00

but instead, I'm here. I'm not even sure what I want to talk about. I just don't want to go to bed right now....

So I just spent about a 1/2 hour reading over all the other posts that I've written down over the last year. (side note: I can't believe I've been doing this for over a year) It's really interesting to look over different things I been through. Some of it is pretty dumb, I'll admit. Some other things though, I'm still working through. I'm still not sure where I'm going or what I'm supposed to be doing, but I have a feeling that'll be a constant in life. Life has definately been up and down, back and forth. Some days I have things figured out and nailed down. Other days, it's like, "Oh crap. What the hell am I doing?" One constant thing has been girls. Still don't have that one figured out...but I'm not as worried about it. If I meet a girl here, great. If not, I've at least made some great friends. And I've made some awesome friends and gotten even closer with old friends. Well...before I get too choked up, I need to go to bed. I really do have to get up early tomorrow.
Before I go, let me say I'm looking forward to this weekend. Go OU! oh...wait...wrong team. Go A&M! no...that's not right either...UW!...no...MIT!...no, that's definately not right...oh, I can't remember. It's some team that wears white and some sort of weird orange color. It'll come to me eventually...

A Little Bit of Home

2006-10-02T22:56:00.000-07:00

On my way home...

2006-10-01T12:37:00.000-07:00

So I'm on my way home from helping out a friend and it starts raining. Now, I know some of you are like, "So what? You're from Seattle." Yes, that's true. It's not the rain that's the problem. It's that because I'm living where it's nice and doesn't normally rain, I don't have the top of my Jeep on right now. Rain is not that bad until it's actually coming in the car as you're trying to drive. Thankfully, I was able to race the majority of it and make it home before I was completely soaked.

Also on the way home, I realized that I was a bit hasty and jumped to a conclusion too soon. Like I said, I was on my way home from helping a friend. This is the same friend that I was second guessing her intentions last week for having me help (if you don't know what I'm talking about, scroll down to the last two posts). Based on some biased information, I came to the faulty conclusion that she may have been trying to take advantage of me being a nice guy. I was wrong and I'm sorry. After helping her today, I think that we'll actually be pretty good friends. Which is awesome, because she's a sweetheart and pretty cute. And given our history (see "Tonight", "A successful disaster and other stuff", "C'est la vie", and "What am I doing?"), it's good to know that guys and girls can be friends despite what Harry says. I look forward to seeing where this all goes. So, all that to say I messed up and could have ruined a relationship before it got started...or restarted in this case. All in all, it was a pretty interesting ride home today. Wonder what's going to happen next time I go driving...

Sorry about that...

2006-09-23T22:39:00.000-07:00

I was a little drunk and bitter when I wrote that last post. I had a good talk with a friend (and yes, I do consider you a friend even though we haven't known each other that long) and then I spent a while driving around, listening to music, and thinking. It allowed me to put things in perspective. Everything comes and goes. Things, people, problems...all of it. Throught it all, I need to be true to who I want to be. Even if that means helping someone who may not deserve it or may be trying to take advantage of it. I don't really believe in karma, but I do believe that if you screw around with people, you are the one who ends up getting screwed. Maybe not right away, but at some point down the road, it all catches up to you. So, I'm not going to worry about what people's intentions are. That's between them and God. Hopefully, it doesn't hurt too bad when it comes back. Here's to living with no regrets!

Being taken advantage of...

2006-09-23T00:57:00.000-07:00

To start...I've had a few beers so if this is a little incoherent or misspelled blame it on that.

Anyways...it's always a little sad and disheartning when you learn that a girl is taking advantage of you because you're a nice guy. The sad thing about it is that I'm still going to go help this girl because I'm a nice guy. I know that I probably shouldn't but I still feel like I should. Why is that? I have no idea, but like I've said before, it's part of who I am. And I'm not going to change. Still, it sucks when you learn people are just taking advantage of who you are. How do I respond? Oh well...take advantage of me. Just don't expect anything in return in the long run. I hope you enjoy your quick fixes and your "right nows". I know that in the long run, I'll meet someone who is a lot more quality than you think you are.

How I feel at the moment...

2006-09-20T21:47:00.000-07:00

Backing off...

2006-09-19T16:16:00.000-07:00

So I don't know if you noticed but I discovered how to post pictures (thanks Pam!). I'll be doing that every once and a while if I find something cool.

Anyways...so I'm giving up pursuit of a girl. To be honest, it wasn't much of a pursuit. Just a little innocent flirting back and forth, but...she has a boyfriend. He's a complete jerk and the relationship is competeing with Six Flags for being the world's biggest rollercoaster, but I don't want to do anything that I would regret later on. Several people tell me, "Screw him. Go for it." But that's just not me. I'm not a bastard, even if she's way, way too good for him. Don't get me wrong, if things fall apart bwteen them in the next six months or so, who's to say what might happen. But I'm not going to wait. Too much energy expending for nothing. Oh well. Shoot, now I have to find myself a new Starbucks girl (that's 3 so far for those counting).

Well, I need to go catch a plane. I'm heading to Colorado for a one day business trip. It's going to suck. I'll get there at around midnight, go to an all day meeting, then fly back that evening. Oh, and did I mention the meeting I'm going out there for, people are going to do nothing but argue. But hey, it's what I get paid to do.

2006-09-18T22:19:00.000-07:00

Last night...

2006-09-17T10:42:00.000-07:00

So we celebrated my birthday last night. I'll admit, I'm still a little hung over. And I really don't remember getting home last night. I woke up alone, so I guess I didn't bring home any strange girls, which is probably a good thing. If you weren't there, I'm sorry. Overall, it was a good time even though the club sucked horribly. I mean it sucked really, really, really, really, really bad. Our group was about 15-20 people and we were pretty much all that was there. We won't ever go back. But I still had a good time. The girls got me out on the dance floor and people made sure that I didn't buy anything. And like I said, I don't remember coming home. I woke up at about 7 this morning and was like, "Hmmm...my contacts are still in and I'm still fully clothed." To those who came out, thank you. It was fun.

2006-09-13T19:06:00.000-07:00

25 Years...

2006-09-04T21:29:00.000-07:00

So, I'm older. To be honest, it doesn't feel that much different than yesterday. I have received a number of "Happy Birthdays" and such from a number of friends (thank you if I haven't told you already). I feel like I should have some words of wisdom to impart after living a 1/4 of a century, but no. I'm still trying to figure things out...probably will be for the next 25 years. For whatever reason though, I'm not really worried about it. I have a really good group of friends both here in LA and in Seattle and I continue to meet more the longer I'm here.

Things are good. I still don't have a girlfriend, but everything in its own time. I know that once I do, she'll be the girl that everyone is like, "Damn! Why's she with him?". And I'll be like, "That's right. Up yours."

I have made a few resolutions. I'm going to be serious about going to the gym and getting in shape. Another is that I'm going to be more real with people. I guess that means more honesty and less pretending. I know that's crazy talk here in southern California, but we'll give it a shot. Another is that...well, I guess those are the only ones for now. I'm sure I'll come up with more as I go along.

Thank you to all those who have seen me through and helped me grow up. I know that I've probably forgotten many of you, but thank you none the less. I wouldn't be who I am without you. I hope that if you saw me now you wouldn't be disappointed.

"God, thank you for where you've brought me these 25 years. I know that I'm far from perfect and I pray that you continue to guide me and keep me from harm. Without you, I would be seriously screwed. I look forward everyday to see what you have for me next. Thank you,
~ Steve"

A little randomness...

2006-09-01T12:31:00.000-07:00

Not sure why, but for some reason, I wanted to post this.

Do not go gentle into that good night
- Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

What am I doing?

2006-08-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

Ok, this is going to be a very honest post.
Last night I almost had sex. I realize for some people this isn't a big deal, but I have said that I want to wait until I get married. I am still a virgin, but it's not easy. Part of me even wonders, "What's the point?" Why am I waiting? Honestly, I'm not sure anymore. A lot of it is because I feel like I'm supposed to. It's just the good Christian thing to do. Am I being a "better" Christian because I'm waiting? No, because one Christian can never be "better" than another. We're all screwed up. So, why am I waiting? I don't know. I really don't know. For some reason, I feel like it's important to me. But why?